I've been feeling so excited and filled with joy about our adoption and life in general lately. It is such a contrast to the way I felt this time last year after my son Jack died. As I was driving along listening to K-love I noticed how so many songs reference water when talking about God and it got me thinking about the ocean. I'm a Jersey girl. That means I spent many summer days "down the shore."
One of my favorite shore memories is when Dad would take Tara (my sister) and I out deep in the ocean and teach us to body surf. He would hold us one in each arm and go out far over our heads. It was terrifying and we would cling to him. I'll never forget one life changing wave. I remember feeling the under-toe pull us. If you've never felt a strong under-toe it feels like the ocean is trying to drag you under the water and pull you out. The scariest part is that if you can manage to fight it the next wave that hits you is going to be super powerful. I remember feeling Dad let go and telling us we had to let go of him and not knowing why. Then the wave hit. It rolled me over and over and I remember my face hitting the ocean floor and the full force of the wave pushing me down and holding me under. It was terrifying and then I felt my Dad's hand. I'm not sure what he said but I imagine he said something like, "You're ok. I have you now. You're fine. Just breathe." Tara was there too and we were all fine. (Dad had let go of us so we weren't crushed by both the wave and him)
A year and a half ago that was my life. I was clinging to my Heavenly Father and trusting Him. I was eagerly looking forward to adding another child to our home. Then suddenly it didn't seem He was there anymore. Jack was sick. I could feel the under-toe pulling. And then he died and that wave of sorrow hit me. I couldn't tell which side was up and I could feel myself being crushed by the weight of my sorrow. I kicked and screamed and struggled and then I felt His hand pulling me up and heard Him say, "You're ok. I have you now. You're fine. Just breathe."
I know, I started this post talking about joy. Happily that's not where either story ends. Going back to the ocean. You would think that wave would have terrified me and I'd never go out deep again. However, the opposite is true. I wasn't afraid anymore. I didn't need to cling to my Dad because I knew he would pull me up if I went under. I really got to enjoy the feeling of bobbing in the waves, waiting for that under-toe and then swimming like mad to "catch" a wave and ride it into shore. I still love to ride waves.
I feel like I'm in the same place with my Heavenly Father and our adoption. There's a scary part where I know that what I'm floating in is so much bigger than me but I can joyfully bob along knowing that there is a big wave coming and that my Father's hand is right there. When it comes I hope I can swim like mad and catch that wave but I know if I don't, if it crushes me and flips me over and I can't catch my breathe, my Father's hands will reach out pull me up and tell me, "You're ok. I have you. You're fine. Just breathe." and then He'll tell me to get back out there and catch the next one!
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